I have been born and raised in Christianity, and its been a rather mixed. I went to a Church of Christ since I was a part of this world, and also went to a baptist private school. Church of Christ is pretty laid back, there is no grand ceremonies or interesting rituals. Its also pretty conservative and literal of the bible, so no gays accepted Unitarianism here.
My mother was, still is, choir director at my church so it was something we did almost every Sunday. My dad wasn't as big on it, but he got the option of going or not, I didn't have that. I had to go to church, almost every Sunday, until I was 18. At that point, and actually before it, I was pretty much left to my own devices. So I am not one of those one people who is ignorant of the Christian faith, no I am better versed than most people, if not most average Christians.
I actually got my first kiss, at least first kiss that I consider a kiss, at a church camp. I used to have the biggest crush on this girl, blonde, funny, gravity inducing. And I was chubby, awkward kid so when she pulled me under the water in the pool and kissed me, it was pretty awesome. Church Camp is an odd environment really. You are get a bunch of young kids and teenagers aware from their parents but there is a moral confinement going on, so some of them act well and others...well we didn't act so well.
I never took any of it seriously, maybe because you hear it so much that it all becomes background noise at one point. I was never one of those Jesus kids, I went to camps and Sunday school because of my friends than the word of God. And maybe it had something to do with being "different", an unrealized 'mo, that I just never felt the connection with these people. No, a kid swinging on a swing set shouting the lyrics of Sex and Candy at a church camp is not really filled with the holy spirit. Or I was, I just found it all to be rather ridiculous. It might also be how I knew some of these kids quite well and it was all an act. The enchanting girl, that I shared an underwater kiss with, I grew up, and was quite aware of her active sexual life.
The one thing that I have learned, or have looked back on, is that Church is a lot like high school. You go there to learn but you often get sucked into personal drama and politics. You grow out of high school, but it grows out around you. At least that is how it was been at Spring Hill Church of Christ, a lot of drama.
I have felt empty for a few months, maybe even longer, and I am rather aware of what I was looking for. I know I was seeking some kind of spiritual fulfillment and for me that meant getting back a relationship with God. Of course, this brings up some obvious problems. First and most glaring, how do you reconcile being gay and being a Christian? I did my research and most verses that talk about "gays" is about sexual rituals in temples or the fact that men of time would get married and still carry with other men or boys. Does the bible ever talk about monogamous gay couples, no, because it wasn't a part of the society of the time. In the end, its about the personal connection with Jesus and not what someone else thinks about what a Christian can be or not be.
Anyway, so what was really bothering me about going back to church was the people there. I have grown up with these people and with some of them, it has been a hard road to toll. D.S' family is actually been the longest running and most overblown problem that I have with my church. These people really used to like me, then they found out I was gay, and it all sorta went down hill after that. They blame for basically anything D.S ever did wrong, especially when he end up dating a guy for 6 months. These are the people who would go to church and profess the love of Christ and then turn around and spit venom at me.
Church, at least mine, is a clique. Springhill basically a few powerful families that make the decisions, they all have family members that sit in positions of power. So instead of jocks, nerds, popular kids, its this family or that family. I suppose I am making it seem worse than what it is, but the human element of a church is hard to ignore. I mean the man who baptized me and was my pastor as a child, he ended up having an affair and getting kicked out of the church. I have seen a lot of human failing there, and doesn't inspire the best.
I could just go somewhere else but there is something comforting about it, it is like a home. You know the building, where everything is, and there are people who are happy to see you come back. It makes my mom happy, which is a nice added bonus.
The thing is, this is about me. I am going because I want this, that is the mind set I have to keep. It has made me feel good when I am there, so I will just do my best to keep it up.
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